Fact(mostly), Fiction and Opinion

Present is all past

August 9th, 2025

After reading several novels promoted on Reedsy Discovery, I thought I’d treat myself to a well written book. I chose The Night We Lost Him by Laura Dave. It was an Amazon Editor’s choice and it was on sale at just three bucks.

Mistake. It was better written than most self published efforts on Reedsy Discovery, just not by much. In fact, it shared a lot with A Reluctant Spy by Roselyn Teukolsky. Both novels feature a heroine who solves a murder. They are also written in the first person present tense even though they spend a tonne of their present tense narration revealing past events. In both of these works, I kept flipping back pages to see what tense the chapter started in.

I am currently reading The Next Big Thing by Andrew McLinden, a third book in a row written in first person, present tense. In this book, however, the use of first person reveals the workings of Danny’s, the main character, mind. When past events are introduced, they are in direct support of Danny’s current fixation. I’m only a few chapters in, but so far Danny’s first person narration is a great way to show what a complete ass Danny is.

As stated, The Night We Lost Him is better written than many self published works. The chapters featuring Liam and Cory are written in the third person past tense and the way the novel plays out, it would have been better if the whole thing were written in the same manner. Writing in the present tense to describe, explain or reveal past events seems like a poor use of present tense narration.

The present tense is great for pulling readers through fast paced current events. In The Night We Lost Him, neither the pace nor the current events benefit from the immediacy present tense narration provides. To be fair, somewhere around sixty percent through, Nora, the heroine, actually makes some progress. Then she goes to a music recital and dwells on a past relationship which has little to do with the solving a murder. A murder which seems disconnected to the stories focus, but

The past, in storytelling, is important. A friend of mine tries to distinguish her writing by keeping backstory off the page, but even she relinquishes. I used to say that backstory provides needed traction to stories. This was a response to the dreaded chapter two backstory dump which authors tend to fall into.

I’ve read a lot since then and developed a new theory: Backstory enhances character motivation. Imagine a character stalks redhead, loud-mouthed waitresses. Why? Perhaps his mother was a waitress, perhaps his father had obsession with Flo from the seventies sitcom Alice, and passed that obsession to the protagonist. In fiction, there needs to be a reason for characters’ actions, otherwise readers will believe the novel’s plot is based on random events. It’s characters engage in unusual behaviors for no good reason.

In typical novels, authors try to hook readers by putting their characters in high stress, and often action packed, situations and reveal their character’s main trait in the way manner in which they handle that situation. Thrilling, but meaningless. If the action or situation is interesting enough, it grabs readers attention. Then what.

Authors want to build on their character’s traits, but they can’t simply replicate the first chapters action or stress. Readers need to gain a deeper understanding of the character. Too often, authors indulge in a backstory dump in the second chapter. This technique gives readers needed character information allowing authors to further entangle their characters in plot events, but a simple backstory dump can lose readers. Let’s face it, backstory can be, often is, boring.

In both A Reluctant Spy and The Night We Lost Him, attention to past events through long narrative passages dulls the story and turns off readers. In both cases, the first person protagonist seems isolated in the world. They both have work and families, but they don’t have friends. Reading their long narratives seemed odd. Why wouldn’t their authors give them friends?

One reason is that friends have lives too. This means widening the story to incorporate more characters who must deal with their own problems needing more backstory which, in first person narration, means more long, boring passages about topics the first person is unlikely to know about.

I reject that logic. The great thing about friends is that you know them and they know you. You can talk through, and often do, issues both present and past. Had these protagonists had good friends, they could have gotten together over lunches, drinks, movie nights, or whatever and discussed what’s happening in their lives. In these discussions past events can be related to current problems and long narrative backstory passages could have been avoided.

I write this knowing that in my last novel, Bote Manchas Metro, my main character (actually in this novel, it is hard to identify a main character), Ralph Botogne, is a misanthrope who does not have any friends. In his chapter, I resorted to long narrative passages to give his backstory.

None of my beta readers complained. Their usual complaint centers on my overuse of dialog. Yep. I try to get backstory in by putting characters together, often in groups of four or more, and getting them to talk, a lot.

Although I may rely on dialog to reveal past events too much, I think doing something like that would have made both of their novels a better read. The technique fits in better with first person present tense than long narrative passages which invariably slip into the past tense or feel like that present tense is overly focused on the past.
Underdeveloped Characters

April 3rd, 2025

Some characters leap off the page with their first thought, action or words. We know exactly what type of person they are because few people would do that, say that or think that. Often authors will play against their audiences prejudices and develop their character enough to allow complexity. Those are major characters. Most characters, especially main characters, need development.

I recently read Only the Pretty Ones by Nikki Keith. It has a great cover and an interesting title. I’ll append the review below. The main problem I had with the novel was that the main character builds into a stereotypical teenage girl. This was an unfair comment. Most teens aren’t quite that petulant and show more logical thinking. They also have interests and hobbies. The main character, Everly, works as a waitress in a diner. She is also trying to get a boyfriend. Besides that, she really doesn’t do much. I think her old boyfriend dumped her because she was just that boring.

As I mentioned in my review, Everly has no hobbies, interests, or activities other than waitressing. She has no favorite class at school, song, or movie. See why her ex-boyfriend dumped her. In the novel, Everly’s ordinary looks, as compared to her half-sisters half Filipina and physically attractive characteristics. Everly uses her sister Lani’s photo to catfish a guy she’s interested in. This highlights the ordinary versus attractive girl proposition. Nonetheless, this is offset by her having a desirable boyfriend and attracting a sexually aggressive boy at Lani’s party. An interesting point: Lani throws Everly a party, but none of Everly’s friends are there. The implication is that Everly has no friends of her own. She’s just that dull.

Many author’s, myself included, follow a minimalist approach. There are details we give readers full license to fill in themselves. If a room’s wall color (or colors) is not important to the story, let readers imagine the room any way they want. Readers are free to envision the room in any way they like. I usually imagine them as white. If a character falls out of his lover’s bedroom window, it probably does not matter what type of lawn is beneath. It could be bluegrass, fescue, or Saint Augustine. Unnecessary detail, more often than not, detract from the story rather than add to it.

Perhaps the author intended Everly to be a tablua rasa character. The idea is that readers will project themselves into the character and form a bond, an identity with them. Readers often do not get to know every detail of a character’s past, so we substitute our own. Our first grade teacher, becomes theirs. Our first triumph on the kickball field, sometimes even our first romantic kiss becomes the characters firsts as well. The tabula rasa character becomes, in most ways, the reader except in the ways the author specifies.

Using tabula rasa/reader identification is, at best, risky. It can, and often does, fall apart quickly. In this case, I had friends in my teenage years. I found it difficult to relate to a main character who didn’t. Everly’s only close friend was Lani while I hated my older brother. The main difference between Everly and me is that I would employ logic and knowledge to determine the identity of the serial killer. Everly uses only raw emotion and senseless action.

This brings up another risk of tabula rasa characters. They come off as underdeveloped, and in this case, severely underdeveloped. Readers want to understand character’s actions. Random people doing random things won’t do. It is better than characters acting out of character, but not by much. Authors need to develop characters so readers know who they are, and more importantly, who they are not. Main actors should have motives, skills, knowledge, and resources. These elements give readers a sense of what characters can do and what they can’t. Most importantly, they show what is difficult for them.

While reading Only the Pretty Ones, a friend asked me to review one of his screen plays. His story was based on the South Korean film Lady Vengeance. Nonetheless, his adaptation highlighted a critical issue. American law enforcement has a disproportionately low investigation and conviction rate for murders of women of color (any color).

In Lady Vengeance (I haven’t seen the movie so I’m using the plot synopsis in Wikipedia), Lee Geum-ja knows Mr. Baek is the killer because she was his unwitting accomplice/fall guy for his murder of a five year old child. She serves thirteen years in prison for the crime. My friend did not incorporate those plot elements into his story. Instead, his heroine gets her information from a character known only as Mystery Man.

Side note: In Only the Pretty Ones, Everly gets her relevant information from the serial killer himself. So, in both my friends story and Keith’s novel, neither heroine actually uncovers anything themselves, or through their efforts. I think stories that point out the injustice of inattention to the disappearance of minority women (many of which are presumed murdered), deserve more serious treatment than these two efforts. They should also include the common police response: Your (daughter/sister/friend) is either a runaway or a prostitute or both.

One of my first recommendations was to drop the Mystery Man (MM) and source information leading to the killer’s identity by actually having the lead character do some actual investigation. He responded by saying that MM is actually a frustrated FBI agent. A ridiculous proposition that would, at best, need it’s own backstory scenes, but I think the audience would still reject it.

My friend tends towards cheap story telling. To him, making the informant “mysterious” adds details to the story while saving screen time (note: in film, time really is money). For my friend, mysterious characters are better than tabula rasa characters, or, maybe, the ulrimate tabula rasa characters. Reading the script, however, keeping the informant unknown makes the information unreliable. I needed to know MM’s motivations in order to evaluate his actions. Unlike Everly (in Only the Pretty Ones), we are not meant to relate to MM. We are asked to trust him. Why? There is no good reason except that the heroine trusts him and, conveniently, his information turns out to be correct or helpful. From my reading, it was all too easy and felt like cheap plot devices.

Readers and audiences deserve better than these two works,

Here is my review of Only the Pretty Ones:

Inside the mind of a bland teenager is a boring place to be.

This novel addresses racial bias in America’s judicial system. From dismissive law enforcement to disproportionate conviction rates, minorities are under served and over prosecuted. SCOTUS may not be convinced by the statistics, but I am. In this novel, the deaths of five minority women/girls by a trophy taking serial murderer goes almost unnoticed until a sixth victim’s body is discovered. Even then, real action does not start until the district attorney’s daughter (half Filipino) dies. This is a serious topic and I applaud writers who broach the topic. Well written stories, both fictional and real, can help raise the issue and spark meaningful discourse. Unfortunately, I doubt this novel will have much impact.

Readers want to be told a story. They give authors suspension of disbelief to allow story tellers to present their story. It’s up to writers to create compelling stories that keep readers engaged. This story found several ways to allow disbelief so seep back.

Told in the first person through Everly, a sixteen year old daughter of Graybury’s attorney (assumed District Attorney). Everly had recently been dumped by her boyfriend and seeks to start a new relationship to keep pace with her ex. The problem is that Everly is an under developed character. She has no interests, no hobbies, no specific or defining traits, and she doesn’t have any close friends. All she has is self centered raw emotion and far too much of the narration delves into this. She does not mention her favorite class in school, nor a favorite TV show or podcast, or anything really. No wonder why her ex dumped her. She’s dull, Dull, DULL.

Perhaps the author, like me, has had enough of cheerleaders turned detective, or valedictorians turned detective, or computer nerds turned detective, or Dungeons and Dragons players turned detective or the most (fill in the blank) kid in school turned detective. Maybe the author intended Everly to be a tabula rasa allowing readers to fill in details from their own teenage experiences. It could work, but in this novel, Everly comes off as simply underdeveloped. This becomes problematic when she sets off to solve the murders of minority women and girls. She simply does not have much to draw on to solve the mystery, just raw emotion, persistence and a bicycle. Of course, her instincts are wrong and her actions are thoughtless.

She could have tapped her public attorney mother and Sheriff (in another town) father, but she has strained relationships with her parents and, as teenagers oft do, decides she can do this herself. I found reading her misguided attempts tedious. Things picked up around the sixty percent mark in the novel. Basically, the killer does all the hard work for Everly. What she takes, at first, as taunts turns out to be the killer’s attempts to inform and educate her.

Inattention to details also leads to readers revoking their suspension of disbelief. The author often refers to Graybury as a town policed by a sheriff and having a single public attorney. In most states, sheriffs are the top law enforcement officer in a county. There are three known exceptions: Connecticut (where state marshals perform these duties), Hawaii and Alaska. I didn’t get either a Hawaiian or Alaskan vibe from the story, and there were no mentions of state marshals, so Graybury doesn’t fit. For the most part, sheriffs are elected officials. The exceptions are Hawaii and Connecticut where they are appointed. When the author tells us that her father went to another town to be sheriff, I wonder how that happened. It seems unlikely that a campaign from someone outside the county would be successful.

The same lack of detail applies to her mother as some sort of public attorney. Somehow, she is the only public attorney. Again, most District Attorneys (also known as state attorneys, prosecuting attorneys or county attorneys) are elected. They rarely try cases themselves because they can lose an election while in the middle of case. They supervise assistant or deputy district attorneys who handle cases.

After Everly’s sister’s body had been discovered, the sheriff removed Everly’s mother from the investigation/case. If she really was the only attorney for the town, who would prosecute the alleged killer when he was caught? No matter, Everly’s mother reasserts herself into the investigation after Everly receives her second taunt.

Perhaps the author based her town on The Andy Griffith Show where Sheriff Andy Taylor rarely enforced the law outside of the town of Mayberry (note the county in TAGS is also called Mayberry). In the show, Sheriff Taylor also acted as prosecutor and judge; very little crime in Mayberry.

Another possibility is that the author, writing from the perspective of a self centered sixteen year old and masked the real situation because she didn’t want the character to seem too knowledgeable. If so, I understand the sentiment, too often teenage narrators seem to know much more than real life teenagers unless they are Teen Jeopardy contestants. Setting up an unreliable narrator introduces even more problems, and in this case, reintroduces disbelief.

Awhile ago, I read an article where publishers encouraged first time novelists using DeepPOV to stick to the he/she (third person) version because publishers are wary of the “I” overuse. This novel doesn’t employ DeepPOV, but any first person narration should be wary of I/me/mine overuse. This novel is guilty of this, and it added both annoyance and tedium to reading the narration. Better narration and a quicker pace might have kept me in the story and earned some leeway in logical gaps.

Most murder mysteries involve a twist where a formerly introduced character turns out to be the killer. I rooted for the rookie sheriff’s deputy. Without resorting to a spoiler, I will only say that when the twist (technically the first twist since there are two) was revealed my reaction was “Nah.” After a moments reflection, “No way.” Upon deeper reflection, “Absolutely not.” The more I thought about it, the more the story fell apart. Better writing might have produced a more positive experience.

Perhaps the author believes that the explanation for the serial murders enhances the spotlight on murders of minorities, but the more I think about it, the more it seems like a detraction, making the murders of those women more of an afterthought, a side activity. It refocuses the prior ninety percent of the novel. It’s that big of a twist. The second twist reinforces the first.
Winds Of Change

January 14th, 2025

Woke up from a weary sleep
And I feel the winds of change.
Blowing through hometown streets
Oh, I wonder what will remain.

Large crowds rally in Chester Park.
I hear the winds of change.
For them the future is the past.
But nothing remains the same.

I hear the sounds of change.
I fear the sounds of change.
This was once a peaceful place.
Oh, I wonder what will remain.

Protester’s signs stream before my eyes.
I see the winds of change.
This community was peaceful once.
Now, neighbors shout epithets, standing in a pouring rain.

My curious tongues explores split lips.
I taste the winds of change.
Salty minerals trickle over my chin
Or down my throat, another place to drain,

Baseball bleachers burn in Chester Park.
I smell the winds of change.
Megaphoned voice provided the spark
Then claimed he was not the one to blame.

I smell the winds of change.
I fell to the winds of change.
This was once a peaceful place.
Oh, I wonder what will remain.

Large crowds rally in Chester Park.
I hear the winds of change.
For them the future is the past.
But nothing remains the same.

I hear the sounds of change.
I fear the sounds of change.
This was once a peaceful place.
Oh, I wonder what will remain.

I fell victim to another musical fantasy and wrote another song. In this fantasy, I was playing guitar in Palm Springs. My, well, it’s a long story, so let’s just say half-sister, winters in Palm Springs. Our mother left her for adoption before I was born, and she had been trying to connect with her blood relatives for decades. A couple of years ago, she reached out to me and my siblings. She had also been wintering in California every year, so it’s natural to meet-up in Palm Springs. My other half-sister (my mother’s first child, she kept this one, but that’s another long story) taught me guitar.

As it turns out, all three of us learned at least some classical guitar. Two of my three guitars are nylon stringed. I prefer nylon to steel.

Anyways, in my fantasy, I’m playing guitar in some public place. My siblings are there. I quickly exhaust the songs I practiced and decide to play House of the Rising Sun. For guitar students of my generation, House of the Rising Sun is the second song we learned.

I can’t remember the name of the first song we all learned to play. I call it Oh, Gee Cee Dee. Literally dozens of songs can be performed with just these three chords from Leaving on a Jet Plane to Sweet Home Alabama and so many more.

Since Oh, Gee Cee Dee is the first song we learned, we pretty much just strummed the chords. Down-Down-Up-Up-Down. Two bars of G, one bar each of C and D. Over and over again. Playing the same chord (G) twice through sounds a little off, so many players through in a Joe Walsh hick-up so it sounds more like Cha-Chum-Down-Down-Up-Up-Down.

Many guitarist continue playing Oh, Gee Cee Dee. It becomes a right hand thing where they experiment and play differing strumming or picking patterns.

Most of saved right hand experimentation for the second song, House of the Rising Sun, Am C D F, Am C E7 E7, Am C D F, Am E7 Am. I’m one of those guitarists. I have my own picking pattern, a variant of that pattern, a semi-classical interpretation for the second C and the third E7 and a full blown classical playing of the second E7 and the last Am.

In my fantasy, I play through the chords my way. My family is intrigued. I play though the chords a few more times to make it a full song’s worth. Somehow, Joe Walsh overhears it and tells me he never heard House of the Rising Sun played that way. He asks me to play it again and he plays lead guitar over it. Remember this is a fantasy. I have no idea where his electric guitar and amp came from. He wants to record this version. I agree, but think new lyrics should be used. I penned the lyrics above.
Facing the Music … errr … Review

January 13th, 2025

The review of my novel came in, so it’s time to face the music. I would have gotten to this earlier, but the fires in Los Angeles had me hopping around a bit.

Here’s the review:

In his exciting new novel, Bote Manchas Metro, Karl Fandkin brings to life his rendition of a Gotham-like city deeply entrenched in crime and violence. Instead of a masked vigilante, he employs seemingly unremarkable citizens and brings their distinctly remarkable lives to the forefront – a venture that is echoed in his author’s notes where he writes about being “interested in the accomplishments of more ordinary people”.

The novel opens with a brief history of how the city of Bote Manchas came to be – its evolution from a missionary settlement to the present-day iteration of a metropolitan – before making a neat segue onto route 36 and a bus carrying its first pick of passengers for the day. Each chapter delivers a peek into the life of all the people on that bus, one troubled individual at a time – a clever nod to the sentiment of nothing being as it seems on first glance.

Fandkin works an intriguing play of identities to portray what could easily be just another day on the commute for most of us, sitting beside office workers, professors, seamstresses, real professors, and a few we think we know nothing about, only to realize it’s everyone we know nothing about. Introduced as plain monikers from the perspective of a rude, misogynistic bus driver, all the characters (including the driver) come into their own over the course of the book with seemingly diverging trajectories eventually intersecting in the most curious ways.

The novel rejects the constraints of genre in an intriguing blend of satire, philosophy and thriller fiction. Using different voices from different strata of society, the writer presents the disconcerting reality of crime, workplace harassment, extreme prejudice and religious fanaticism – an ambitious undertaking that flows in an impressive balance for the most part, except for the tricky bit of the reader potentially losing track of plot events owing to the narrative choice of multiple points-of-view. But that’s only a minor setback for what is an exhilarating roller-coaster of a story.

I’d highly recommend this book to anyone who likes fast-paced crime thrillers that are much more than just fast-paced crime thrillers. I’d also like to mention a few trigger warnings for references of violence and sexual abuse in the book. On the whole though, this novel is a fantastic read, and I can’t wait for more readers to explore it.

By Abha S

Some of this is hype which is probably encouraged by Reedsy Discovery. They promote their review service as a way to help authors launch novels, so let’s take phrases like “In his exciting new novel” and “ this novel is a fantastic read” with more than a grain of salt.

When I looked at the reviewer through her website links, I saw that she has two books on her currently reading list, both are written in Sanskrit. Combined by the fact that this blog had several hits from India last week, I think it safe to assume a few things like: She is from India; she has come to this blog and may return and read this entry; English is not her first language and she is not familiar with American culture.

That said, she knows literature. Her perception that this novel ignores genre is spot on. I never really got a grip on genres and their features. Many novels today blend genres. I simply ignore them. Her comment “… echoed in his author’s notes where he writes …” shows the extent of how far afield I have gone.

Let me explain. I use Libre Office as a protest against MicroSoft wanting hundreds of dollars for Office each time I buy a computer. A downfall to Libre Office, however, is that it doesn’t seem to recalc as often as it should. I used the spreadsheet to keep track of word counts. As I neared the end of the novel, I thought I was too close to 80k words for comfort, so I wrote a “For those who have to know” section that reveals character’s fates beyond the end of the novel. Good editing usually cuts ten to twenty percent of the text. I also threw in some comments about how there could be a sequel, but that I was not interested in writing about gangster in a turf war and that I was more interested in more ordinary characters.

The developmental editor picked up on that line as well. He did not like the original final chapter. He thought it too anticlimactic. I did not feel the “for those who have to know” part was worth keeping, I was well over 80k words. The editor recommended that I cut the final chapter or at least cut it down. It contained an important plot point: The arrest of Ralph Batogne for the murders he committed before the story began. I ended up merging the two chapters and kept the chapter title “For Those Who Have to Know.”

The comment “ … Gotham-like city …” reveals a cultural divide. Bote Manchas is clearly a west coast city near the Mexican border, that is to say, a stand-in for Los Angeles. Gotham has been a stand-in for New York ever since Washington Irving.

Another failing, although more my own, is shown in the comment “The novel opens with a brief history of how the city of Bote Manchas came to be …” The actual title of this chapter is: Boring Background History Most People Skip Over which was written as a high school essay by one of the novel’s characters. I couldn’t figure out how to make it a preface with page numbers in Roman numerals. I hoped the chapter title would cue readers in and they would start reading at the next chapter.

The comment: “… sitting beside office workers, professors, seamstresses, real professors …” shows the problem of having two very similar characters. Dr. Jeremiah Tyler is called The Professor of Practical Philosophy. His foil is Dr. Jefferson Ford who the bus driver calls Real Prof. The poor reviewer got caught making a list of characters based on the chapter titles without realizing that real professors are professors and do not need to be listed twice. Had she paid more attention and wanted to show she read the book thoroughly she would have written “self proclaimed professors and real professors,” or something like that.

Her comment: “Introduced as plain monikers from the perspective of a rude, misogynistic bus driver …” The first chapter introduces Ralph Batogne. The original title for this chapter was Misanthropic Bus Driver. He seems particularly mean to Angelic Choi (That Face) and Eunice Underwood (Proselytizing Bitch), but he is also hostile to Hector Manning (Mumbling Bob) and pretty much indifferent to everyone else. To finish the line, “… all the characters (including the driver) come into their own over the course of the book with seemingly diverging trajectories eventually intersecting in the most curious ways.” The word “curious” has me concerned. Given the cultural divide, it could be a good thing.

“… an ambitious undertaking that flows in an impressive balance for the most part, except for the tricky bit of the reader potentially losing track of plot events owing to the narrative choice of multiple points-of-view. But that’s only a minor setback for what is an exhilarating roller-coaster of a story.” Here the reviewer gives me too much credit. Bote Manchas Metro doesn’t have a plot in any conventional sense, or it has too many. I put the novel through a developmental edit two years earlier. That editor treated it like a copy edit. It was an awful experience and I scrapped the novel for a year. That editor, however, couldn’t decide if the book was a story-cycle or a collection of short stories. It aint exactly either. There a some stories that need to be read in order, and some that don’t. In my mind, it is a mix-tape of characters. Well, mostly. There are a couple of framing chapters. One chapter introduces the characters and it is not named for any of the characters. Another chapter brings most of the characters together again for the stories climax, again not named for a character.

For the most part, each chapter is a short story, or would be, except not all chapters end where a short story would end. If I wrote them as short stories, they would have a better resolution. Some chapters are resolved in a later chapter, and at least one chapter resolves in the For Those Who Have to Know chapter.

Well, time presses. I need to get bottled water and the lines are long. Please forgive me not proofing this entry, not even trying.
Trepidation

December 21st, 2024

Fact(mostly)

I am nervous. A couple weeks ago, I submitted Bote Manchas Metro to Reedsy Discovery. Reedsy Discovery is a promotional website started by Reedsy. Okay, Reedsy is a site where anyone can hire writing professionals most of whom have actual publishing experience. For amateur authors, like me, hiring editors from Reedsy gives me access to good editors. They have some good advice. Unfortunately, my writing may never meet publisher criteria for actual publishing. That’s okay with me. I am not trying to write a mass market best seller. It would be nice, but I have trouble choosing which genre label applies to my work. Not a good sign. I write because I have something to say, a story to tell and/or a way I want to tell a story.

I have been lucky. Most of the editors I’ve hired through Reedsy understand and appreciate what I’m trying to achieve. At some point, however, their training and experience want the effort to be more publishable, more accessible or just plain better. I make a few adjustments, but I want it to be more true to my goals. Eventually, the relationship with the editors breaks down. As the author, I am responsible for the work. It is mine. The editors did their best to guide the effort, and I thank them for it.

Reedsy Discovery helps … well … all sorts of people. As an author, it helps me launch my book. After submitting your work to Reedsy Discovery, any of a large pool of reviewers read your novel and write a review. Authors are allowed to use pull-quotes and put the review in the Amazon listing, so unless the review comes in before this entry gets posted, look forward to an entry about the review.

Novels receiving the most up-votes are promoted in Reedsy Discovery publications like a weekly email promoting those books. They also have a good search engine for readers to find something they’d like to read. As a reader, I’ve picked up several books on Reedsy. I leave my reviews on Amazon. Since I do not like the vast majority of books I read, I don’t think my reviews would be well received on Reedsy Discovery.

As a self published (KDP) author, I think supporting other striving authors (found on Reedsy Discovery) is a good idea. I may leave critical reviews on Amazon, but they a sale and an honest response to their work. So far, it doesn’t look like they return the favor. If they did, they could find much in my novels apart to rip.

Bote Manchas Metro is not an easy novel. It was not meant to be. Three things motivated its creation. First, the failure of my previous novel. Not sales failure, I didn’t expect much, but there were flaws in the novel that I never could work out. Frontal Lobe Override was an experiment in structure and I wanted another attempt at that structure. Second, headlines. The issues addressed I the novel reverberated in the media and in personal conversations with friends, neighbors and family. Third, I had a spark, a concept.

As I said, I wanted to write a novel as a mix tape of characters. In FLO I felt the need to have deejays introduce and tie together the chapters/characters/songs. In that book, a couple of lawyers preparing their case served that role. Editors kept pushing me to develop the lawyers more, but to me, they were just a narrative device. Moreover, I’m sorta sick of the limited type of people featured in American fiction. It’s always cops and criminals, doctors, lawyers, politicians, entertainers, soldiers and spies. There are a few businessmen, but they generally fall into the criminal category. FLO had florists, computer programmers, real estate agents and the heroine was a forensic epidemiologist.

In Bote Manchas Metro, there are seamstresses, a secretary, a radio show producers, a college professor, think tank fellows, a homeless person, and the spark, the genesis, a misanthropic bus driver. More importantly, there are no deejays in Bote Manchas Metro. I did use framing chapters, so it’s not a pure mix tape, but the frames are more like medleys, so I think they work just fine.

This time the editors wanted less dialog especially between two characters, known by the bus driver as The Professor of Practical Philosophy and Real Prof. On a radio show, they participate in a discussion of abortion. In a special lecture, the discuss the existence of God. These are the two extended dialogues all the editors disliked most.

I tried my best, but it’s hard put two philosophers together in a discussion about important topics without reverting to my take of a Platonic dialog. As I said, there is stuff in Bote Manchas Metro for reviewers to dislike.

It’s been over two weeks since I submitted the novel to Reedsy Discovery for review and eleven days since a reviewer picked up the assignment. There is a lot to like about the novel. All of the editors like several chapters, especially the Mumbling Bob chapter. Mumbling Bob is the bus driver’s name for Hector Manning, a homeless former materials and processes engineer whose job was off-shored to India. Anyways, I’m nervous.

FLO received a five (out of five) star review on Reedsy Discovery. Back then, five star reviews were somewhat common. Now a days, most favored novels receive four stars. Perhaps Reedsy Discovery made an effort to curtail star inflation. I would be happy with a four star review, but I sit here, nervously, preparing myself for anything even a one star review.

In my mind, Bote Manchas Metro is much better written than Frontal Lobe Override. It should get a five star review as well.

Let’s see.
Distractions

September 15th, 2024

Fact (sorta) You’ll see.

I’m supposed to transfer my novel from word to html before finding a proofreader. HTML is a good format before putting it into AZW3 or epub. Instead I had an imaginary conversation with Paul Simon because I need reprint permissions for the parody lyrics of The Boxer I’m using in one of the later chapters. Somehow, we turn the conversation to guitar playing. I’m not very good (hell, I’m not good at all), and I like to throw in half steps to the standard blues scale. I think they sound good, but they really shouldn’t be played. Anyways … I started writing this song.

These half steps I play are a lot like me.
They seem to fit in where they don’t belong,
Like heavy metal riffs in a county western song.
It might be me, but I might be wrong.

I don’t know what I’m going to do.
It’s a bright sunny day, but I’m feeling dark blue.
‘Keep playing bright notes. Tryin’ to lighten my mood,
But I can’t seem to shake these Schoenberg blues.

Fact checking politicians,
Those lying sons of bitches.
Saying they love America to increase their riches
Just wanta give’m a swift kick in the britches.

I want to go all the way, but I didn’t get far,
Singing half backed lyrics on a broken guitar.
Seems no one want to listen unless you’re a star.
Oh, I wonder, oh I wonder who you really are.

I might return to this some day, but, right now, I’ve got work to do.
Been Away Awhile

August 20th, 2024
Fact (mostly)

A couple of years ago, I started writing another novel, Bote Manchas Metro. I finished the first draft about this time last year. A couple of read-throughs and many revisions later, I sent it off to an editor for developmental editing.

The editor proofread Frontal Lobe Override and went well beyond proofreading. I loved that she was opinionated and forthright. I wanted her to be the developmental editor for Bote Manchas Metro, so I contacted her. She agreed even though she no longer accepted new clients (I counted as an old client).

I wish I had followed standard editor hiring procedures. Had I hired her the correct way, we would have agreed on the process and I would saved thousands of dollars and three months. The project went off the rails from the start, but I had not done the work to find out. A month went by without a single word or note. I sent a message asking why? She sent assurances that everything was fine. Another month, another inquiry, another assurance. In the end, and a day before the project end date, she dumped an oblique letter which referenced her extensive manuscript markup. It was a mess.

Here’s what went wrong. I wanted developmental editing to be an iterative process. For Frontal Lobe Override, I hired an editor for an editorial assessment. A couple of weeks later, he sent a detailed letter and a minor markup (editor, it seems, just can’t help themselves). I made several revisions, and hired the same editor to look at the novel again concentrating on the revisions. He did and we discussed, via phone call, the project. I thought developmental editing would be similar just with out having to go through the hiring process twice.

The editor for Bote Manchas Metro, thought developmental editing was just advanced copy ediitng. I pointed out the editing guidelines from Reedsy.com, the site I hire editors through. She back tracked a little. Her editorial letter read like a throw together meant to meet the bare minimum of the guidelines and mostly served to point to the markup.

It took me two months to disentangle the copy editing from more developmental observations. It was frustrating and tedious work. Going through a markup is a destructive process. The idea is to work off all the revisions, accepting some, rejecting others. In my word processing software, it takes a lot of right clicking, regular clicking and occasional typing. The worst part, the editor decided to reformat the entire novel which, in my editor, meant that I had to accept or reject every paragraph and alomost every sentence. In the end, I scrapped Bote Manchas Metro.

Headlines brought the novel back. In particular a Los Angeles Times article about California corrections officers are looking at the Norwegian prison system (https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2023-11-09/how-do-you-reform-california-prisons-to-be-more-like-norway-hire-more-guards). A year earlier, I wrote the Professor of Practical Philosophy chapter. The character works in a think tank. He proposes a prison reform plan called the Individualized Judicial Release Plan.

The idea came from a discussion with a neighbor. Her husband was in prison. I’m not sure why he was incarcerated, I never asked. As she described what her husband was going through, I brought up my long term observation that Americans do not know what we want from out justice system. The typical response is that prisons should be punitive. A slightly more enlightened view is that prison sentences should provide sufficient deterrence to committing crime. Both notions have proven false.

A just society wants our justice system to provide us with good citizens who are unlikely to commit crimes again. America has tried various reform programs with little success. About the best thing we can say about our prison reform efforts is that it has turned some repeat offenders into law students, some of whom have even passed the bar.

I based the IJRP on education’s Individualized Education Plans where parents, their child and educators get together to develop a plan that all believe uses school district resources to best suit the child’s skills, goals and needs. Although IEPs are only available for Special Education students. Pitty. They could make America’s lagging schools much more effective for every student. But then again. It would cost a tonne. And that’s the problem.

Growing up, there was a meme, “Death Penalty for Parking Tickets (it cuts down on recidivism).” In order to keep costs down, IJRPs would have a termination date. Prisoners who failed to make progress on their IJRPs would be executed. I didn’t bring this up with my neighbor. She already said that her husband simply cannot resist temptations for long. She still loves her husband, so telling her that he is not fit for society wouldn’t go over well.

My novel just touches on this subject. It does not delve into larger questions such as:
- Can our society afford to keep people unfit to productively participate?
- Is it alright to export problem members of society to other societies (think Britain’s penal colonies in America and Australia)?
- Is it moral to execute recivid criminals? “Death Penalty for Parking Tickets” is absurdum ad reductio but drawing actual lines on what is executable or not is difficult, and judicial systems can, and often are, corrupted. Factor in increased incarceration costs and decreasing resources and it is easy to see how things reduce to death penalties for parking tickets.
Interesting issues, but my point was that I was a year or more ahead of the headline. Another topic in my novel is treatment and attitudes of homelessness. A recent Supreme Court decision allows states to make homelessness illegal. Within a week California’s governor ordered counties to remove homeless encampments. In my novel, the mayor of Bote Manchas was systemically sweeping away homeless people. The lack of an appropriate dustbin posses real life problems. There are many issues here, but the important thing is that I was two years ahead of this issue.

Anyways, I prepared Bote Manchas Metro for developmental editing, again. This time I followed hiring procedures and the developmental editing went well. The novel is now off to copy editing. In the mean time, I can drop a blog entry or two. I owe a book review on Freedom’s Just Another Word by Len Joy. I also need to arrange for reprint permissions for six songs whose lyrics I snipped for the novel.
Delivery Failure

June 21st, 2024

Fact (mostly). Although most of this piece is a fictionalized dialog, it is very close to an actual customer service phone call over a real delivery. Just about all statements were fact checked, but no guarantees. As always, confirm information before repeating it.

“I’d like change the delivery on my package.”

“Can I have the tracking number?”

“Surely.” Loose phrasing like this normally engenders a cynical retort. At coffee shops and restaurants, I usually answer a similar question, ‘Can I have your name?’ with ‘Yes, I’m sure it is readily available name.’ or ‘Why? Don’t you like your own?’ In this case I simply read off, “1gzh …”

“Oh, I see. There’s a failed delivery. You got a notice.”

“Yes.”

“A signature is required.”

“So the notice says. We should do something about that.”

“I’d like to help, but the shipper …”

“ … Motorola.”

“Yes, they put restrictions on high value deliveries …”

“It’s two hundred dollars.”

“As I said, high value deliveries.”

“How much do you make an hour?”

“Sir?”

“Let’s say fifty dollars.”

“I don’t make that much.”

“Include benefits.”

“Sir…”

“Now let’s assume the delivery driver makes the same amount. He has to find my package in his van, get out of the vehicle careful not to get hit by a passing car, go to the locked front gate, enter a code, go up the stairs because waiting for an elevator would take too much time, walk down two halls to my apartment, knock on the door, and wait … how long are our drivers required to wait?”

“It depends.”

“Right, 10 seconds. Then he prints out the failed delivery notice, slaps it on my door, returns down the halls, down the stairs to his van and stows the package. Including the cost to send it out for delivery the next day, like the notice says, the failed delivery costs UPS, I don’t know, four bucks.”

“I really can’t say. I’m a customer service rep, not an accountant.”

“And after three failed deliveries, you ship my phone back to Motorola.”

“That is right sir.”

“Well, since you can’t change the delivery, and you keep on trying to deliver to my private residence during business hours, you might as well just ship it back.”

“Do you want to cancel the delivery?”

I had to think about this. Obviously, I was in righteous indignation mode. This was a ridiculous, avoidable situation. Someone was at fault; someone should pay, and it shouldn’t be me. Motorola should realize that shipping their phones to real people should not require a signature unless the customer goes out of their way to request it. I did not.

The last time this happened, I ordered my phone (this time the phone was for my wife). I was at home when the UPS guy attempted to deliver the package. I was (still am) disabled and it took a couple of minutes to reach the door. By the time, I opened the door, the driver/deliverer was gone, but the notice was on my door. Like this time, I went online and accessed my delivery (I thought/think that picking it up at an UPS location would be better). Like this time, the online system would not allow me to change delivery instructions. I called customer service. I explained that I am disabled and the driver did not allow me enough time to answer the door. Since drivers are on a tight schedule, they have little interest in waiting around. I requested an ADA reasonable accommodation: the driver should just leave the package: denied. I asked that the driver wait five minutes: denied. I got very upset. I couldn’t fathom why UPS would not make accommodations for disabled people. I offered to send them a pdf of my parking placard and DMV issued letter confirming the disability: nope. They said they’d try again tomorrow, or if I wait, they could retry today. I had a doctor’s appointment in an hour which is about how long it takes by bus. I explained this. In the end, they had another driver rendezvous with the driver with my package, the second driver was going to be in neighborhood anyways. My wife signed for the phone.

The customer service rep stated they cannot change the delivery. Their obligation was to follow the sender’s (the ones who paid for the delivery service) instructions and the only way I could change that was to convince them to contact UPS with the tracking number and send the proper documentation for a change of delivery. Yeah, right. Outside of business hours. Fat chance.

Why would Motorola require signatures for home deliveries. Do they hate working people that much? Are their customer service people that lonely and isolated that they really need irate customers demanding delivery instruction changes? Maybe they like canceling sales. All unlikely. It’s more likely that they choose this option because there is little to none extra cost. They feel like it is a good deal.

Given that a failed delivery costs UPS four bucks each attempt and that they allow three failures per delivery before shipping packages back to senders, UPS could easily loose at least eight dollars on home deliveries requiring signatures. They should factor this potential loss and up the price. The people at Motorola, who seem to like a good deal more than keeping good relations with their customers. Maybe, If I just let the package delivery fail three times, I could teach both of these corporate giants a lesson. Okay, eight dollars probably wont sway them, but it could be part of lesson. I’m sure I’m not the only one who goes through this.

Actually, the success of Amazon delivery should have been the wake-up call UPS needed to heed. UPS is ranked third or fourth in home deliveries. Before the .com boom, they were tops (not researched but it sure felt that way). Amazon is number one. I, almost never, have a problem with Amazon deliveries, and when I do, usually the item does not arrive, Amazon deals with the situation effectively, on-line, no frustrating calls to customer service.

Ultimately, the fault is mine. I’ve been through this before. When I get emails from Motorola touting their latest sale, I should calm down and not purchase from them.

I used to be a cyclist. There is the “three bike shop” theory. Bike shops make money two ways: sales and repairs. In order to make sales, they inform customers about the right features the buyer should want for the type of cycling they want to do, they help choose the right size frame and offer test rides. So in the “three bike shop” theory, there’s the bike shop where you find the bike you want to ride, the bike shop where you purchase the bike (for me used bikes on eBay proved a good choice) and the bike shop where you take your bike for repairs. The biggest slice of the pie is the repair shop. Next comes the bike shop where you purchased the bike (once informed, cyclist shop for price and reduce profit margins) and the bike shop that informed you gets screwed (they spend labor hours for no return).

The Motorola web site is very informative. I like their side by side comparisons. But the same phones are available on Amazon at just about same price even when Motorola has a sale (and it seems like Motorola always has their phones on sale). I knew this. I should have researched the phones and then switched over to Amazon. Amazon knows how to deliver goods.

“You know what?” I decided. “Let’s just let things run their course. Go ahead and try to deliver the package tomorrow, may try again the day after.”

“Okay, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Nah.”

Unlike the last time when UPS required a live signature, the form had an area on the back for a signature. I signed it and stuck the form back on my door. The next day, my wife returned home before I did. The package was waiting at our door, so my rant is a little overblown. UPS charges $4.25 for requiring signatures, so they broke even. They bank on people wanting their purchases more than they want a trouble-free delivery. Motorola could save four bucks, but, right now, cell phones are more of a feature desirability market than a price conscious decision. Working people have to suffer delays and frustration getting their purchases when companies require signatures for business-hours home deliveries.

For my part, Amazon had the exact same phone at the exact same price. I promise to learn my lesson and simply buy from them next time I want a new phone.

Addendum:

I ordered a new guitar and case (a little under $1000 total) from Guitar Center on Tuesday. On Thursday, UPS sent an email telling me my packages would arrive on Friday between 1:45 and 5:45 PM. I made arrangements to be there. I really want to try out my new guitar. On Friday, I posted this entry, and UPS sent another email changing the delivery time to 4:30 to 6:30 PM. It was too late to cancel my vacation day.

I heard a knock on the door at 7:15 PM. I rushed to the door hoping not to miss out on my new guitar. The UPS delivery driver was not there, but two large packages bore testimony that he came and left. Unlike Motorola, Guitar Center knows that their customers actually want the stuff they purchase. No signature required.

UPS should really do better than breaking even on home deliveries to private residences during business hours (when the residents are likely at work or otherwise out). The should charge at least $20. Make it painful for companies like Motorola to insist on signatures.
Panera, So Rude

June 14th, 2024

Fact (mostly)

“Excuse me sir. Please silence your electronic device. I am trying to work over there and it’s disturbing me.”

“What if I turn it down?”

“It still emits scratchy noises audible from where I’m sitting. It’s best if you use earphones.”

“I don’t have any earphones.”

“I happen to have some. They are meant to be used in computer labs. Here you may have this one.” I offer a pair of earbud style earphones which I purchased from Amazon in bulk. Cost per pair, a little over fifty cents.

“I don’t want those things.”

“Okay, then just silence your device.”

“Why don’t you just go away?”

“Because your playing your device out loud annoys me.”

“Well, you’re annoying me. Go away.”

That’s a typical confrontation. There are many issues wrapped up in there. For me, there is a larger issue. Electronic devices are just another example of how many humans are two stupid to use technological advancements properly. A few well known inventions come to mind starting with alcohol.

Until the 19^th century, public drinking water carried too many health risks. The Romans built aqueducts to bring in fresh water and fountains helped remove sediment, but that really wasn’t enough to remove bacteria. Like the Egyptians and Greeks, Romans were well advised to boil their water. In the dark ages, most of Roman technology was lost and population centers grew. Boiling and/or filtering water was still necessary but providing sufficient quantities proved difficult.

Arround 1000 AD, the preferred method to provide sufficient potable liquid was fermentation, specifically, beer, but all forms of alcohol carried less danger from microbes (which wouldn’t be discovered for several more centuries).

Alcohol, as we all know, kills bacteria. That’s why we use rubbing alcohol to disinfect wounds and stave off COVID. The irony here, is that alcohol, is the product of bacteria or fungi eating sugars. That is to say, bacteria piss (in most cases, yeast, a fungus, is used do it’s mostly fungi piss, but bacteria piss is more fun to say). We kill bacteria with their own excrement.

Nowadays, we have very safe water supplies. Alcohol is now favored for its effects on the human brain, and many humans cannot handle it. About six percent of Americans have alcohol related disorders and America suffers from about eighty thousand alcohol related deaths every year (https://www.caron.org/blog/the-american-alcohol-problem#:~:text=Alcoholism%20Stats&text=More%20than%206%20percent%20of,year%20in%20the%20United%20States).

Automobiles are another technology humans haven’t quite grasped. Besides killing another forty thousand Americans annually, most people are not well served by the individual private automobiles they overuse. Surely in rural areas, cars are more practical than horses, but in urban and suburban areas an effective public transit network is much more beneficial.

In the early versions of SimCity, not building roads cut down on car to car shootings, taxes and many other problems. Just building public transit lets your city grow safer and with more room for parks and other quality of life establishments to compensate for the lack of individual private transportation. Otherwise, roads need to continually expand until they choke off housing and parks.

In the real world, many cities (including Billings, Charlotte, Chicago, New York, Palo Alto, San Francisco and Seattle https://highways.dot.gov/safety/other/road-diets) successfully enacted “road diets” to encourage public transit and improve public safety.

In Los Angeles, UPS suggested that restricting road usage would allow them to deliver packages at a lower rate (rather self serving, don’t you think). The same reasons, though, apply to police and fire department response times. There are no statistics on the number of lives lost due to traffic congestion delaying ambulances and first responders (at least not on the first page of my Google search), but several sites noted that traffic congestion as a factor.

In response to a slew of bicyclist and pedestrian deaths, LA Mayor Eric Garcetti tried to implement his Vision Zero program which included lowering speed limits and making streets safer which also included more bicycle lanes which, as a consequence, took lanes away from cars (road diet). It was met with considerable resistance. Without effective implementation, the pedestrian death rate kept increasing. In short, Angelinos much rather watch their children get run over by their neighbors than curtail their automobile abandon, an unhealthy addiction to the private car.

Modern smart phone usage also reveals human’s inability to adapt to new technologies in a reasonable manner. Distracted driving already revealed human stupidity using the first generation of this technology and there are plenty PSA and concerned organization commercials on TV for this. Hands free devices seemed to be a remedy, and, it was in part, there are many studies show that not using a smart phone at all is the better choice.

Most phones, before cell phones, have circuits to feed back microphone input to the earpiece so users could correctly modulate their volume. Mobile devices, at least in the earlier generations, did not. After a few years of mass cell phone use, there was a glut of discarded phones. Environmental issues aside, I was impressed that a local social worker gathered many of the older generation phones and convinced his mentally ill clients that when they talk to themselves or their imaginary friends, they should talk into the cell phone. That way, what was once threatening and abherent behavior now seemed like normal cell phone usage.

That’s, of course, is so early generation. It didn’t take long for Facetime, Skype and other video calling apps to, once again, give people incentive to misapply technology to the detriment of society. Now people hold their cell phones in front of their face with the other party on loud speaker. They seem oblivious to the fact they are in public and everyone within listening range, about a twenty foot radius, can now hear both sides of the conversation.

Fictional Account:

“I’m sorry, but we all don’t need to hear your conversation.”

“Mind your own business.” To her friend. “Sorry, but there are some weird people in this restaurant.”

The next time, I took out my cell phone which has a record app and, as obviously as I could, recorded her phone call.

“What are you doing?”

“Recording your phone call.”

“That’s an invasion of privacy.”

“Can’t be, your not keeping your phone call private. Not at all.”

“Manager! Manager! This man is invading my privacy!”

I was asked to leave the restaurant. I explained to the manager that I had no interest in invading her privacy, I was just trying to show her that she was not using her cell phone in an appropriate manner.

The next time I returned to the establishment, the manager sat at my table and explained to me that any recording, auditory or video, was against their policy. I asked to see their policy. She left and returned empty handed. I suggested that they craft and post their patron behavior expectations (normal people might just say policies) based on respectful behavior. It is already the case in California that proprietors are liable for patron behavior that violates the California and Fair Employment and Housing Act (basically all businesses may be held liable for any defined harassment like sexual harassment or racial harassment that occurs at their business whether the harasser is an employee or not). I suggested that they expand their expectations to include any overtly rude behavior including audio from their electronic devices. Basically if one patron feels compelled to complain about another patron, that patron should curtail their behavior. If they do not, the complaining patron should notify staff who will determine if the behavior rises to an actionable level. Staff need to be trained in this. They already should have passed harassment training, so this should be approached in much the same way. Electronic devices should be silenced. They are engineered for individual enjoyment without any concern for anyone else which is automatically rude and disrespectful.

Anyways, if a patron behaves disrespectfully, staff will inform them that their behavior is not tolerated in this restaurant. A little back talk is okay, but staff should not suffer any abuse, and people tend towards abusive when their behavior is challenged.

Abusive behavior and non compliance trigger them being asked to leave, and refusal to leave triggers a declaration of trespassing and a call to the police.

“So, what if both customers become abusive, you know, with each other?”

“Ask them both to leave.”

“But one of them started it.”

“The rules are, a polite request, then engage staff. If someone gets drawn into a disrespectful confrontation, then they should leave as well. You don’t want your staff to become referees. They can, with training, determine if a behavior is disrespectful, but they should not adjudicate a conflict between patrons.”

“But you were reacting to someone you thought misbehaved.”

“And you were right to ask me to leave.”

I returned a few weeks later. The manager walked me to a framed Dining Area Behavior Policy hanging near the restrooms. I thought it should be near the front entrance. Obviously, a lawyer crafted it. There were terms I did not recognize. I thought it should be more plain language. I did like that there were definitions of critical terms at the bottom. Most legal documents put that stuff up front.

End Fictional Account.

I never attempted to record someone’s phone conversation.

I like, or liked, to write at Panera. Food selections are wanting. McDonald’s is way more affordable and they also offer free wifi. Many other sit down restaurants offer better food at similar prices, but Panera offers a real nice environment: comfortable seating, good music, many of the tables had nearby electrical outlets and free wifi. The sip club is a real value, and there are enough food options to make writing breakfasts, lunches and even dinners pleasant.

For a while, McDonald’s and Starbucks had good environments (okay the short McDonald’s playlist made listening to the music for more than half an hour tiresome, but it looks like they lengthened their playlist to about an hour), but both of these places have waged a minor war against cyber-campers like myself. Both have removed electrical outlets. Easy to defeat; just buy a battery extender. Starbucks remodeled several of their locations to remove or reduce table space, For cyber-campers, including would be writers like me, Panera seemed like a last oasis.

Although I am generally quiet and keep to myself, there are cell-phone based campers who seek to consume entertainment rather than create it. They don’t really need the Panera environment. Their phones can connect to the internet anywhere, and their batteries should have sufficient charge. I guess Starbucks reduced table space and McDonald’s repetitious music may have driven them to Panera.

I do not think it coincidence that the loneliness crises exacerbated first with the internet and exploded with smart phone advancements. It was foreseeable. Smart phone advancements prey upon human weaknesses and insecurities. Why approach someone and try to relate with them on a human, social level when you can delve into streamed entertainment, virtual reality or pornography (yes, one guy at Starbucks used to stream porn on his cell phone. At least he used earphones, but occasionally staff would come by to wipe tables or sweep, notice what he was doing and kick him out).

It makes sense that those who substitute electronic interactions for social interactions would become rude and insensitive to actual people. It is another case of how people can not cope with technological advancements. Just as cigarette manufacturers were held liable for the damages they caused people, technology companies should be compelled to pay for reparations to our society. At the very least, they should stop preying on human frailties, but that’s another blog entry. Right now, the topic is people streaming media on their electronic devices and their invasion of Panera.

Although the interaction at the start of this entry was the most typical, the actual incident went more like this:

“Excuse me sir, your phone is too loud.”

“I just need five minutes, okay?”

“Okay.” I can tolerate a few minutes. It is important to be sensitive to other people’s needs.

Six minutes later, I approached the gentleman again. When I informed him that more than five minutes passed, he accosted me with a string of epithets, mostly vulgar. His general theme was that I had no right to disturb him. I pointed out that his electronic device was disturbing me. He started yelling, and I think I responded in kind, but I was cut off by a staff member and another patron. They separated us, and the patron escorted me back to my table. The staff member convinced the other guy to leave.

I stayed away from Panera for a few days. When I returned, the manager came to my table and told me that I should not approach other guests about their cell phones. I should get the manager. She didn’t even ask for my side of the story. I accepted her terms. A half hour later, A guy sat at the table next to me with a bag from the neighboring McDonald’s (remember, the value of Panera is its environment, not its menu). He started streaming media on his phone. I went to find the manager.

After waiting near the counter for five minutes, she came out to see me. I explained about the guy at the next table streaming media out loud. I did not mention the McDonald’s food.

“I’ll ask him to turn it down.”

“He’s three feet away. In my experience, phones, even at low levels, are still distracting. The best solution is to silence the device.”

“I’ll be back.”

“I will not ask him to silence the device.”

I had to think about this. People who stream media are as likely to utilize the Panera environment as long as I do.

“Then I have to leave.”

In essence, Panera choose a person, who bought his food elsewhere, rudely playing media on his electronic over a long time and frequent customer who, other than complaining about other’s rude behavior, kept quite and behaved respectfully. Panera prefers rudeness. An odd position for an establishment whose main attraction is the environment it provides its patrons. I was declared a second class citizen at Panera (other people had the right to annoy me, but I could not address them myself), or at least, I was treated like one.

I had paid for their annual Sip Club membership which would take effect the beginning of the next month. I thought it would save money. I wrote a complaint about the incident. I couldn’t fit all the details into the limited space they allow, so I informed them that there was more to the story.

Panera responded:

November 15,

Hi <my real name, redacted>,

Thanks for taking the time to reach out. We acknowledge and apologize for the inconvenience. I would be disappointed, too. If I would go to a noisy place. That’s certainly not the level of service we strive for, and we’re glad you gave us an opportunity to address your concerns.

To help make your next visit better, I just added a free pastry reward to your MyPanera account and it will be available for 60 days! Keep in mind that change isn’t given for rewards, so it must be redeemed completely in a single visit.

I want to assure you that your comments will be shared with the regional leadership team overseeing this location to ensure your voice is heard, and help bring about a positive change within the bakery-café.

To see your new reward, simply follow these steps:

• Log in to your MyPanera account.

• Click on “Your Rewards”, directly to the right of “Hi [Your Name]”

• Scroll down until you see the “Your Offers” section, slightly below “Your Rewards”

Again, we appreciate you sharing your thoughts with us, David.

Sincerely,

Brenda

Panera Bread Guest Care

Note the “I want to assure you that your comments will be shared with the regional leadership team overseeing this location to ensure your voice is heard, and help bring about a positive change within the bakery-café.” As you see, this was heading into the holiday season, so I waited a long time for a followup. During that time, I stayed away from Panera as I saw it as an unsafe place to go. If more rude people came in and played their electronic devices, I would have to leave. As I am disabled and dependent on public transportation, switching locations is not easy. Yes, there is a McDonald’s next door, but McDonald’s is also a magnet for rude people, and since it cost less, way less, more people can afford to rude at McDonald’s.

In late January, I wrote:

Brenda, Panera Customer Bread Guest Care,

What was the result of the regional leadership team review of my comments? I have not used my sip club membership since this instance, only bought some bagels to help get me through recent storms. I would like to return to my local Panera, but still feel that I will be driven out by customers’ annoying electronic devices.

<My real name, redacted>

There was no response. So in February, I asked for my Sip Club membership to be refunded.

Panera responded:

Feb 27,

Hi <redacted>,

Thanks for taking the time to reach out! We don’t have a specific policy on the volume of guest’s personal devices in the cafe, and the decision is ultimately left to café discretion. Next time you visit your local café, we recommend speaking with a café manager about this – they’ll be happy to help.

I have reviewed your refund request for your Annual Unlimited Sip Club Subscription charge. I’m so sorry for any inconvenience – we are not able to process your subscription refund request as per the terms and conditions you agreed to during enrollment nor transition your account to the monthly subscription after payment is collected.

Would you like assistance in canceling your subscription so you will not have a renewal fee on October 19th?

Thanks again, David. We hope you get a chance to visit soon.

Sincerely,

Jade

Panera Bread Guest Care

Also in the “terms and conditions” is an implied agreement that any dispute between Annual Sip Club members and Panera have to be resolved by binding arbitration. In binding arbitration, each party has to pay half the fee of the arbiter, approximately $1500. Best case scenario: I win the arbitration and I’m out only $1400. Like most people, I can not/will not throw away $1400 just to make a point, and I bet Panera banks on that. So very rude. No wonder they side with rude patrons.

Throughout this whole thing, no-one from Panera ever bothered to get my side of the story. They offer free pastries without considering that diabetics can not take advantage of free pastries, and, except for plain croissants, pastries at Panera seemed to be laced with sugar. Building and maintaining good patron/customer/guest relations takes getting to know each one. It’s rude to act upon assumptions, but that’s what Panera did in every step of this. I’m not sure how hashtags work, I’m not on any social media platform, but here goes: #PaneraSoRude.
Rewrite, just do it.

May 22nd, 2024

I’m thinking about returning to the novel I wrote at the beginning of the year. I hired an editor who proofread my last novel to do developmental editing. A mistake. Her real talent lied in copy editing, when I complained that the process was not interactive, she wrote back that developmental editing was just enhanced editing. It was too, late. She already had my money. I didn’t go through the normal hiring process; I trusted her based on her prior work. Had she given her opinion on developmental editing, she would not have been hired.

I’m looking for another developmental editor. A lot of them say they can fix the story. I think they mean that they can help fix the story, but that’s still off the mark. Story’s can be tuned and tweaked. Themes can be enhanced, scenes reworked, but if the story is bad, the best thing an editor can do is suggest the author write another story.

During development, editors guide authors through rewrites. Very rarely can authors produce a lengthy work that does not need rework. Even rewrites can not repair fundamental story elements. The best thing an editor can do is recommend that the author scrap the attempt and start another story. A good editor would first go over what the author got right with their work and recommend that they build off of their strengths in their new work. There is real possibility that my new editor will do that with my novel in progress.

This comes to mind because the last novel I read had some good work, but it should have been scrapped. There is no fixing an over stretched concept. In this case it is compulsion. Three main characters each follow their compulsion to the grave. A good short story concept, but in the novel, it lead to stagnant character development. None of their characters actually met their goal (okay, one did, but he was dissatisfied with it and kept going). This lead to story spiraling. What was an explorable topic just kept repeating it self. Of course, the author produced variations, but it really read more like repetition that kept covering the same ground.

The author tried make some details interesting. In my review, I harped on of these details and tried to turn it into a metaphor.

In truth, there was one detail that was fairly clever. One main character, Mendel, composes songs. The other characters find and produce his discards. The popularity of his music inspires the creation of Pro Mendel (PM) groups, resentment of the music’s success or perhaps some lyrical content (I’m not really sure and it really doesn’t make much sense) leads to the formation of Anti Mendel (AM) groups (who seem much more inclined to violence). For every demonstration, there is a counter demonstration, and these are discussed in the novel. The clever part is AM vs. PM. Like morning people versus night people. Anyways, these groups clash and some people’s lives become collateral damage.

Here’s the review of In Quest for the Perfect Storm by .Dennis Miller

A Serrated Knife?

More than half way through the novel, a man threatens a lead character by putting a serrated knife to his throat. The man snuck up on the main character, Paul, while he surveiled another main character, Mendel. I found that detail disturbing. On the reality series Forged in Fire, the contest rarely asks contestants to make serrated blades. A quick Google search revealed that most hunters and chefs prefer straight blades for the simple reason that serrated blades are difficult to keep sharp. Serrated blades are often used as bread knives because bread is soft and unlikely to dull knives. Many steak knives are serrated, but like bread knives, it’s because cooked meat is easier to cut than raw meat. It is also the case that some seamen prefer serrated knives to cut rope, but this attack was not in a nautical setting.

Choosing a serrated knife in this context seems not just an odd choice, but a poor choice. It makes the author seem to be reaching for interesting sounding details that actually call the author’s knowledge into question. A quick Google search revealed a vast preference for plain edged knives. It is a small detail, but several major details in this book seem to be made the same way and gave the same impression.

The title lead me to believe this book would be about music. Writing about music is difficult. Music is complex. Even relatively simple songs, like The Beatles Obladi Olbada, are difficult to describe well let alone the song’s impact on listeners and how they impact society.

This novel has about as much to do about music as serrated blades has to do with Forged in Fire. There are elements there, but it really is minuscule. For the first half of novel, the author tries to describe events in Mendel’s journey, how it made him feel and that Mendel encapsulated this into song. This is about as interesting as reading an esoteric music critic write about an obscure opera.

The worst part, is that the author has Mendel write the music fully formed. This is counter to what I know about song writing. Most songs are more wrought than written. There are accounts of songs created in just a few minutes, but most stories of songs include details of long collaborations and reworking of songs: The original lyrics of The Beatles Yesterday were “Scrambled eggs, oh baby how I like your legs,” and Eagles Hotel California started as a Don Felder guitar lick, but Don Henley and Glen Frey wrote the lyrics and the dueling guitars at the end of the song was initiated by Joe Walsh. In a documentary, Glen Frye talks about living above Jackson Brown and listening to him work through his song writing.

Mendel’s song writing is like the serrated blade. It sounds good, but it also shows an ignorance of how great songs are made. Songs are more than just a good lick or snappy lyrics. It needs to have a good beat, a hook, the right arrangement and not overdoing any part of it. A quote from the movie That Thing You Do sorta sums it up, “I’ve found that a hit record is like a stew. All the ingredients have to come together just right. Otherwise, it’s just soup.” The author’s description of Mendel’s music seems devoid of standard musical terms like key, minor or major chords, tempo, beat, harmony and melody. These terms would indicate a closer relationship to the music and give readers a stronger sense of what’s great about Mendel’s music. The author may have decided that using music related terms is something that’s done to death, so he might have decided to forgo them. It’s a choice. In this novel, a poor choice like the serrated blade.

So, if this book isn’t really about music, what is it about? The three major characters: Mendel the music writer attempting to write the perfect song, Paul an out of work person who collects and sells Mendel’s discards and Beasley who buys and produces Mendel’s music. Mendel criss-crosses America, penniless and mostly off any path, as he gathers experiences and writes songs. He is compelled to continue on this way to write the perfect song. Beasley is compelled to be the biggest businessman in music. Paul becomes compelled to follow Mendel and collect his songs. It seems clear that is a novel about being the inability to shake your primary compulsions.

Mendel has a couple of interludes, but in the end, he just continues. Beasley also cannot stop even after the marketing frenzy he creates produces a man who almost kills him. As a side note, Beasley’s dependence on Mendel songs seems a bit off. Most music moguls seem to build a stable of talent. I really don’t know the music industry well enough, but this feels like another serrated blade. Paul struggles the most with his compulsion. He is aware of it, and attempts to leave it behind, but in the end, he also can not stop.

A novel where the main characters keep doing the same thing is a boring as it sounds. There are cycles and the story spirals up before it spirals down. There is a side element. The media frenzy over Mendel creates a Anti-Mendel (AM) movement which clashes with the Pro-Mendel (PM) movement. This seems based on the episode where people burned Beatles albums after John Lenon quipped that The Beatles were more popular than Jesus. That episode is too dated to be relevant today. Perhaps the anti-Trump protests versus MAGA would have been a better model. Neither really fit well into the novel because Mendel never interacts with society (no interviews, no appearances) and even Paul fights to retain his anonymity. When the AM/PM clashes are not serving as a plot device, it reverts to the side show which, in the end, is all it really is.

Fact (mostly)